Truly Dreadful Film

everything you have heard about this movie is true.

Exactly the movie you think it is, but not the movie you want it to be.

By the time the dramatic fireworks start popping off, each one feels earned.

For his final ever film, director Andy Sidaris sees just how far he can go in terms of sheer audacity, preposterous plot developments this time around including the previously extremely evil megalomaniac The Warrior (Marcus Bagwell) changing his ways to become a government agent (and sex partner for Julie Strain's Willow Black), Filipino villain Rodrigo Martinez (Rodrigo Obregón) returning from the dead sporting a cheap Phantom of the Opera-style mask, and a very silly finalé that sees the bad guy being unmasked ala a classic episode of Scooby Doo. There are also numerous flashbacks, loads of convoluted double-crosses and deceit, and lots of dreary exposition courtesy of Obregón.Of course, we also get the regular ingredients from Sidaris—Playboy models with massive mammaries and the fashion sense of a Hollywood hooker, hunks who leave their shirts undone to show off their abs, lots of poorly choreographed action, exploding remote controlled vehicles, a pointless fantasy sequence—but this time around it seems as if everyone is simply going through the motions, as though all involved knew that the series was at an end and just wanted to get it over and done with as quickly as possible and with the least fuss and bother.

There is only one reason to watch an Andy Sidaris movie. The women. As action movies they are seriously lacking, as T&A flicks they're pretty outstanding. Somehow Sidaris managed to get a bevy of gorgeous buxom Penthouse/Playboy babes to star in his films. Without the girls his movies would be borderline unbearable. But fortunately we will never have to put this hypothetical theory to the test, as all of Sidaris's action flicks follow the same formula of kick-ass chicks in stories involving lots of bullets and lots of boobs.I suppose there was a plot to this one. It was something to do with a stolen floppy disk. But you really don't need to know about that. The important thing to report is that this one stars Julie K. Smith and Shae Marks. A more pneumatically sexy duo of women you will be hard pressed to see in one movie. If there was only one thing that Sidaris should be remembered for it would be in getting the lovely Shae Marks to appear in a couple of his movies and keep on removing her clothes at regular intervals.Alongside Day of the Warrior, Return to Savage Beach is probably Sidaris's best film.

"Return to Savage Beach" inevitably draws comparisons with its predecessor, "Savage Beach" (1989), and these comparisons aren't favorable: for one thing, the exotic locations are captured with much less flair this time around, and for another, Shae Marks and Julie K. Smith are no Dona Speir and Hope Marie Carlton. With those two, you could almost forget that they were former Playboy Playmates and accept them as B-movie actresses; with these two, you can never do that (also, this film proves that there is such a thing as "too much silicon"). Everything here is recycled: the jokes, the weapons, the actors, even footage from "Savage Beach". Julie Strain looks bored, and Christian Letelier wins the "so bad it's funny" award for his line-reading. Carrie Westcott is marginally hotter than the other girls, due to the perpetual look of contempt on her face. You know something is wrong when a pro-wrestler (Marcus "Buff" Bagwell) actually does the most enjoyable acting in the movie! (*1/2)

An Andy Sidaris classic, folks. For those of you who have never seen any of this guy's movies, check this one out.....it'll tell you all you need to know. "Hard Hunted", "Hard Ticket To Hawaii", "Day of the Warrior", etc., and this movie are all about the same. Beautiful, busty secret agent women and burly dudes blowing up stuff and having sex in Hawaii.This one involves the recovery of a box of goodies that was buried on an island somewhere in the South Pacific by the Philippine government. "Tiger" and "Cobra" are the secret agents to look out for. Look at their chests and you'll know why. As a long-time wrestling fan, I was suprised to see Marcus "Buff" Bagwell have a prominent role in this one. He even got down and dirty with Julie Strain....lucky guy! Oh yeah, did I mention she's in this, too? She's in a lot of these, but she's in this flick as the leader of the L.E.T.H.A.L. Force (Legion to Enforce Total Harmony And Law). Ava, the big-chested "sextrologist" is back, sending secret messages to operatives over the airwaves.One agent (the one who dresses in the red leather outfit and hands out the poison pizza) appears later on in the movie during the resolution scenes with what sounds like a poorly-done Russian accent. Don't forget the villain, dressed in an outfit straight out of "Phantom of the Opera".I'd recommend this movie to anyone who's a fan of the B-movie/soft-core genre....sure, it's not "A" quality, but there's lots of skin and explosions to make up for that!