Touches You

It’s an especially fun movie from a director and cast who are clearly having a good time allowing themselves to let loose.

If the ambition is to provide two hours of instantly forgettable, popcorn-munching escapism, it succeeds.

I cannot think of one single thing that I would change about this film. The acting is incomparable, the directing deft, and the writing poignantly brilliant.

I'm a pretty big fan of the 'underwater monster' B-movie. CREATURE FROM THE BLACK LAGOON is the granddaddy of course, and JAWS the milestone against which all over movies have been judged/attempted to rip off over the past thirty-plus years. AQUANOIDS is somewhere between the two plot-wise, as humanoid-type creatures kill surfers and bathers at a beach, but there the resemblance ends. This is no-budget filmmaking at its very worst, utterly devoid of talent and interest and only worth watching to see how worthless it really is. The hardest thing to like about this film is the camera, which looks little better than your average home video; the shot on video format works against it, lessening the experience against other, better B-movies of the past.A number of those films are referenced by characters in one SCREAM-like post-modern conversation, giving away the fact that the filmmakers are fans of this sub-genre. It's a shame they couldn't do anything with the tired script and awful execution. The creatures are barely seen, and boast rubbishy PREDATOR-style vision; the attacks involve laughable gore effects and one rip-off "monster birth" sequence. The jokes are flat and the acting awful, and brief nudity does nothing to keep you watching. The film's so cheap that even the guns rarely fire and explosions are effected via some lame CGI work. As the leading bimbo, Laura Nativo is attractive enough, and strangely resilient to the perils of the poor script, but she can't save this wishy-washy monster flick from being a total disaster.

Jaws was a great movie. Creature From The Black Lagoon wasn't a bad movie. There is no reason why their offspring should be a bad movie. And yet it is. Very bad.OK, so someone lends you a videocamera, gives you fortyseven quid, and suggests you should go and make a film. Here are the lessons you can learn from Aquanoids: 1. Start by writing a script where the dialogue is believable (eg. don't have your character saying "It's the missing surfer!" - we KNOW it's the missing surfer).2. Cast actors who can act, even if only a little bit.3. Find an editor who can edit and a director who can direct (see the sequence where the two girls go to the marina on scooters and then head out on the jetski for a masterclass in how not to do either).4. Steer clear of gratuitous video effects - what worked in Predator won't work if you can't afford to do it properly; 5. Avoid synthesiser music.6. Don't make a sequel when no-one ever made the original.7. Don't call your movie "Aquanoids" if there's only one Aquanoid.But I do award a point over the baseline minimum for a) the sheer gall of starting off with an appalling day-for-night cross between From Here To Eternity's rolling in the surf sequence and the Jaws opening sequence, and b) gratuitous boobage.This was in the cheapo cheapo DVD bin. I wuz robbed.

My colleagues at work often question my taste in film: they cannot understand why I waste my time championing low budget horror when I could be watching the latest blockbuster to wow the masses at the local multiplex. After watching Aquanoids, I'm beginning to wonder why I bother myself.Set on a small island off the Californian coast, Aquanoids stars Laura Nativo as Vanessa, a beautiful diver who, after being attacked by a hideous fish-man, attempts to warn the locals of the danger that lurks in the surrounding waters. This upsets the nasty officials of the island, who are afraid that Vanessa will scare away tourists and upset plans for the building of a shopping complex.A shoddy mish-mash of themes and ideas stolen from the likes of Jaws, Humanoids From The Deep, and The Creature From The Black Lagoon, Aquanoids is absolutely awful in almost every way imaginable: the direction is clumsy and amateurish; the script is childish, poorly written, and highly unoriginal; the editing shows no hint of restraint, utilising every gimmicky fade, wipe and split-screen effect possible; the monster make-up and gore is cheap and laughable; the special effects are unconvincing; and the acting is uniformly awful. Even some welcome female nudity cannot stop this one from being a total waste of time.Whilst watching this lamentable mess, I noticed that one character had the surname McClure, whilst another was named Bruce—possible references to actor Doug McClure (from Humanoids From The Deep) and Bruce the Shark (from Jaws). There is also a scene where several characters discuss their favourite watery monster movies, mentioning Deep Star Six, Leviathan, Tentacles, Alligator 2 and Roger Corman in the process. This leads me to believe that the makers of Aquanoids are genuine fans of horror and B-movies. If this is the case, then those involved should hang their heads in shame for giving us this abysmal addition to the genre.

OK, it's obvious the budget on this movie wasn't huge...or big...or enough even, but I'm a sucker for rubber-suit monster flicks and Aquanoids delivers. It's shot well and the sound is clean most of the time. Some things don't make much sense, but it's about sea monsters, so leave your disbelief at the door, make some popcorn and give the DVD a spin.If you think the old Doctor Who episodes are too schlocky looking, or the monsters in Space 1999 ruin the plot line, then this movie probably isn't for you.If you want some gore, nudity, an above average for this type of movie plot and a cool looking monster than you'll probably enjoy Aquanoids. I'm not saying to run out and buy it, but it certainly worth an online rental for monster fans.